Breakdown and Resuscitation

We all have weaknesses and things that will always bring us down. I think the devil knows just what our breaking point is. He definitely knows mine. He proved it a few days ago…this is a really personal story because of how much it affected me, but I hope that someone out there can relate or even find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone.

Mom and I were out shopping for Christmas gifts for the family when she decided that I needed a pair of black dress pants. I'm not the sort of person who enjoys shopping; much less trying on clothes...even less shopping in fancy stores where they assume you will need a dressing room. Anywho, I told mom that I'm really picky when it comes to pants, especially of the nicer variety; I wanted wide leg with a cuff. So she decided that there was one particular store that I needed to go to for these pants...Ann Taylor. I have never gotten clothes from Ann Taylor, or any store like it. So, we go. She shops. I try on. 

As I stood in the changing room alone looking at myself in the mirror, I wasn't thinking about the pants or how they looked. I was looking at my body. I didn't care about the pants much at all, but I stood there thinking I must be the most hideous person on the planet. I walked out of the room nearly in tears. I fought them back as I told my mom that I didn't want the pants and I just wanted to get out of the store. She stood there next to the rack of black pants just looking at me, wondering what was going on. She saw the tears in my eyes and asked why I didn’t want the pants. I had no reason. I couldn’t even say anything. “I just don’t want the pants. Let’s get out of here,” I kept saying. She bought something for herself and we left.

 I made it all the way to car before I started seriously crying. Mom kept asking me what was wrong with the pants, was it something she said, or did the pants just not fit. I didn’t answer her because I couldn’t; I couldn’t verbalize what I was thinking or feeling.

Finally, all I could say was that it wasn’t that I didn’t like the pants, I just hate myself.

I hate myself, my body, my emotions. I just kept crying.

Later that day, my brother and I were driving to see a movie when he asked what was wrong with me earlier. I didn’t want to tell him…so I attempted to dismiss it, but it didn’t work. I gave him the cliff notes version of what happened with the pants. After a lot of conversation, or to a certain extent lecturing, my brother decided that I don’t find my self-worth in Christ.

It’s true, I don’t. He told me he thinks I had attempted to find self-worth through relationships. Again, true. I think I’ve always know that I will never find what I am searching for in any relationship. I know that Christ alone can fill that void, but something in my own subconscious keeps me from him.

I don’t feel worthy of His affection. But that’s the point, I’m not worthy. None of us are. But He still loves us. Completely unconditionally. And He’s the only one who ever will. He loves us just the way we are. He loved us before we were born and He will continue to love us after we die. We don’t have to do anything to deserve His love…just accept it.

That’s the hardest part for me. I know I want it; I need His love to make me whole. I am nothing without Him.

So here I am, the same size I was last week, but I’m taking things I’ve always know to heart. God loves me just the way I am, sure He wants to see me do better, but He will never love me less. Scripture tells us the greatest commandment is love; we are to love God first and foremost, but we are also to love our neighbors as ourselves. How can I love others if I don’t love myself first? I don’t have to love the number sewn into the back of my pants…but I should love the fact that I am a child of God and He loved me enough to let His son die a horrible death in my place.

I am loved. I love.

As are you.

These are a few of my favorite things...

speed scrabble! 

Jordan and I bought several thousand dollars worth of toys for kids on the west side. It was surprisingly hard work to buy so many toys, but it was a lot of fun. 

I've been painting a lot lately. I love painting, even though I'm not very good. 

My other hobby has been baking lately. I have mastered the cupcakes and icing at Nancy's after a few weeks.

Christmas Day Poetry

This Christmas, my family decided to do something a little different. We each bought one gift for one person (names drawn from a hat) and wrote a poem about that person. It just so happened that I got my brother, and he got me; so it was kids and parents. Since I'm the youngest, I went first. I gave my brother his gift: a plaid shirt and a picture frame with photos of him and me in China. Then I read him my poem: an acrostic for my brother...

Big brother, I love you.
Role model, I look up to you.
Oh the things that we've been through,
The places we've been to,
High school and college through
Every mission trip too
Realizing I'm nothing without a big brother like you.

Then my brother went. He gave me a beautiful handmade journal. One of the other artists in his studio, Jessica, made it. I love it. Then he recited a haiku:

I love you, Courtney
You're a great little sister
Want to see you more

Mom's poem for dad was more of a song to the tune of some song she claims is an old girl scouts song, but I am doubtful. It was cute though. Dad's poem for mom was the best. It was a long tribute to their marriage and the important events along the way like perfect omelets, having kids, moving to rock hill, then alabama...it was great. Mom was balling by the end of it. I wouldn't expect anything less.

And so this is Christmas...

Dad decided we would also have a schedule to make sure we did everything we wanted to today...so here it is, the Bunce Christmas agenda...

Wake up
Have coffee
Read Luke Chapter 2
Go through our stockings
Present our gifts and poems
Eat breakfast (omelets and sister shubert pigs in a blanket)
Play speed scrable
Watch It's a Wonderful Life

Now its time for food!

Marry Christmas everyone!

marketing myself

I started creating my own website. Some people were talking about it at a conference I went to recently; about how its a good way to put yourself out there without it being a crazy social network. So, I am putting my resume, testimony, experience, and anything else you can imagine into one source...that maybe someone will see and think that I am exactly what they need for whatever they are doing.

It's weird for me to tell people that my hobbies include painting, writing, construction, singing, etc. I think the title of my life story might be "jack of all trades, master of none." I love doing new things and proving to myself and others that I can do something. It's not that I get bored with things easily, I just tend to find something else that takes my attention away.

I think this is a part of the discernment process. It's like self-reflection. I'm looking at who I am, who I want to be, and what God is doing with me right now. Where is He taking me? What am I learning? What am I doing about it?

I recently did a project for one of my classes on the cost of discipleship. My group, consisting of me and four others, chose Luke 14:27 as our focus for exegesis. Our pericope was Luke 14:25-33. The project was enlightening and thought provoking. It came together in over an hours worth of video complete with personal interviews with local people serving the Lord, famous people publicly serving and worshiping the Lord, and the group members.


In the book Radical by David Platt, he talks about what the cost of discipleship means and what we, as followers of Christ, are supposed to do. We are called to pick up our cross daily. That means we're supposed to carry instruments of our own death and torture everyday. You could choose an electric chair, a gun, or a guillotine. Scripture also tells us that we have to leave everything 


behind, without ever looking back. We have to completely separate ourselves from the life we knew outside of Christ. We have to give our everything to Him. In Luke 9, Jesus tells the story of some men who decide that they want to follow Christ. One says that he just has to go burry his father, but Jesus says "let the dead bury their own dead." The other man wants to say goodbye to his family. Jesus tells us that we should hate our families. The love that we have for them should be nothing compared to the love that we have for God. 


"Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."    “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”


Have you chosen to follow Christ? Have you picked up your torture device? Have you looked back? 

Where do you go from here?

I'm officially done with the first half of my senior year of college. I have a month until spring term starts. One month without a roommate. One month to work and save money. One month to spend time with friends and family. One month to do whatever I want without worrying about school work. What will I do?

I have so many things I want to do. I don't know where to even begin.
I want to paint
I want to clean
I want to donate everything in my closet
I want to bake
I want to watch every movie I can think of..then some more
I want to take long walks in the cold
I want to spend time with my brother
I want to have a party
I want to plan Bible studies for the spring
I want to organize everything

I want so much and I know its all completely doable. But what does God want me to be doing? Where should I be? Where am I going from here?

thanksgiving break...

NYWC 2010: Youth Specialties

David Crowder, Jars of Clay, NewWorldSon, Star Field, Brandon Heath....

9 of us from Huntingdon and FUMC spent the weekend in Nashville learning and eating! We got to see some amazing artists, sit in on some thought provoking discussion, and talk with youth ministers and supporters from all over the states. Plus, we got some pretty awesome shirts out of it! :) 

The sunset on the drive home form Nashville, TN

I love the sky; it holds everything beautiful. It makes me happy.

My brother, playing the banjo...

Nothing says thanksgiving like bluegrass...or an honest attempt at it :)

Our community Thanksgiving meal at Lell's Cafe

This was the most unusual thanksgiving...we ate at the cafe where my brother works. This cafe has barely been open a week and they already have faithful community support! Its so awesome. We ate with family, friends, and new friends...it was a great time, with amazing food!

Cake in a Jar, made by the Secret Chocolatiers

Ever wanted just a slice of an amazing cake? Now you can have just as much in a cuter package...made by some pretty awesome people in Charlotte, NC...try the chocolate truffles. yuuuummm :)

Fixing a friend's chicken coop that a dog broke into...its ready for some new hens!

Some friends of ours back home let us stay in their house for the week, so we repaid them for their hospitality by fixing their chicken coop. A while ago, a dog broke into it and killed the chickens. The new wire is dog-proof! (hopefully)! 

A Community Called....

I spent the weekend with two of my very good friends exploring the possibility of higher education through Asbury Theological Seminary in Kentucky.
My undergrad experience has been more than I could have expected, but I don't think that I am as fully prepared for a life of ministry as I could be; thus the reason I am considering the Master of Arts program in World Missions and Evangelism at Asbury. The institution is so much like Huntingdon, except better in so many ways. Its about the same size as Huntingdon, just without the silly freshmen and high school drama. The community is loving and welcoming; you can't help but love it. There is a chapel in every building. How many schools can say that?! They even have three services a week for chapel. I love that.
Not to mention the fact that the location is beautiful. I love Kentucky. I love the mountains, the caverns, the windy roads...and the sweet little town of Wilmore. So, I love the place, I love the people...but is this where I am supposed to go?

"The Lord is with you, where ever you go."
This was the message of one of the professors who spoke at a chapel service we attended. It's an incredibly reassuring statement that is incredibly valid for all of us.

I'm not sure what God's plan is for my future, one thing that I am certain of is that I have been called to ministry. I pray for discernment as I continue on this journey.

My Face, no longer in the Book

I recently deactivated my facebook account and have gotten several different responses. My friend Alyce simply said, "good for you." Another friend, Matt, was seriously concerned that we might never speak again (we work together 2 or 3 days a week). My brother, on the other hand, had a positive response, but wondered why.

Here's why: Facebook is an excuse. Its an excuse to be antisocial because your "friends" are all at your fingertips. Why see them in person when you can chat/creep them all at the same time?! It is an excuse to not be verbal. I was beginning to use facebook as a meeting place for groups I am in charge of or messages I need to let people know. Why wasn't I just talking to people face to face? It is also an excuse not to be forward with other people. It is possible to have an entire relationship with someone over the internet now. You can ask them out by changing you status and asking them to change theirs. You can chat with them, leave messages on their profile wall, and even draw interactive pictures for them. You can even tell your life story through pictures, notes, and quiz results. Even before you have a relationship with someone, you have put vague little hints on your status just asking for someone to comment on them. Or you could just "like" everything the other person ever types.

I'm tired of it.

Facebook is also a distraction. Lately, facebook has been distracting me from papers, work, grad school applications, God and frankly life.

I am hoping that this "drastic" change will cause people to have more conversations with me in person. I enjoy  human relationships with friends...electronic ones just don't cut it.

I don't know how long this will last, who will be upset, or who will even notice, but I feel a bit freed for the moment. So, good bye facebook. Hello, world!

There's a sign on the interstate between my apartment and where I work; one of those temporary flashing signs on the side of the road. The message it flashes reads, "PUT ON THE BRAKES" in the first frame and "TOWARD ZERO DEATHS" in the second. That's all it says.
I'm not sure who decides what goes up on these things, or even how they decide where they will go...but I think whoever they are needs to think about the message they are promoting. "put on the breaks" generally means "stop," (right?) and "toward zero deaths" generally means "in the direction in which no more people die...or more people are alive." Therefore, the message on the interstate is "stop letting people live" or maybe "make more people die" I'm not sure what they were going for, but I think they've failed at promoting safe driving.

Testimony

I wrote this years ago, but I just found it. It needs some editing and its old, so I think some things have changed a lot, but it's still my life.

On a mission trip in the Appalachian Mountains, I taught a Bible School class to middle and high school girls. To present my testimony I related it to a hiking trip I once took with my family. This is my story.

My Testimony: A Hike of Faith

It all started with my family going together on a short hike in the mountains of Alabama. After eating lunch at an amazing waterfall, we decided to head back to our camp. To keep the trip short and easy, my mom and I only had to follow the path two miles to a parking lot where my dad and brother would pick us up. It worked out that they would walk 5 miles and we would only have to walk 2. With less distance to travel, my mom and I gave the guys our water and we set off in different directions. Half a mile later, my mom and I found a parking lot but it wasn’t far enough, according to the map so we kept going. Another half a mile and another parking lot, so we kept going. But a mile later, there was not a parking lot, in fact, the trail got steeper. We kept walking in hopes of finding the parking lot. Later, the trail turned into a footpath that looked a lot like a deer path. Since my mom and I had given the guys our water, we were nearly dehydrated in the summer heat. I will never forget the thoughts that ran through my head at that point. I just knew that my mom and I were going to die on the top of this mountain. It took falling on my face, after tripping over a fallen tree, to make me realize what I should have been doing. I closed my eyes and screamed, asking God to help us. We were lost in the middle of the forest with no water and I had no idea how God could help us, but I believed He would. The sky grew darker and we could tell a thunder storm was on the way, but we kept hiking. The thunder was frightening, but the rain was an answer to my prayers, it brought relief from the awful heat. With little phone service, all we could tell rangers was that we knew where we were going. We heard the sounds of helicopters, but there was no way of flagging them down and we knew they couldn’t continue their search through the storm. The path eventually led to waterfalls, but it took so much strength to get there with help from two volunteer search and rescue team members who hiked the trail from the other end in order to find us. In what seemed to be a really miraculous way, the exhausting and frightening hike with my mom turned out to be an amazing blessing. Twelve miles of rocky mountain climbing, no water, and a storm was actually great fellowship with my mom, a lesson in resourcefulness, and a walk straight up the side of God’s beautiful creation with the gift of rain to cool us off from the summer heat. I began to see this trip as a symbol for the way my life had been. I began my journey on the right path, but my own stubbornness and self pride kept me from making the right decisions. I kept going, even though I knew I had gone too far. The rocks, dehydration, and abrasions along the way were like the struggles in my life. From parents splitting up in elementary school, to depression and self mutilation in middle school, to a series of bad relationships with non-Christian boys, the hardships I endured throughout my life just made coming back to God that much more amazing and eye opening. I realized that I had fallen on my face before Christ and He was the only one who could save me. My life was that uphill battle, but when the helicopter flew over head, I knew someone still cared and he was still looking for me. My father never lost faith in finding us. Now I know that when I begin to feel as if I have lost my way, I can always find comfort in the knowledge that God knows where I am and how to bring me home to Him. “Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” (Psalm 94:17-19 NIV) I feel it is my duty and my privilege as a child of God to share this joy with as many other people as I possibly can.

I don't want to waste my life

Senior Capstone

For my psychology major I am currently working on the big shabang...the gigantic project that incorporates everything that I have learned in the past four years: the senior capstone.

I'm conducting a survey to see the correlation between religiosity and sexual activity among students in my own tiny little liberal arts school affiliated with the United Methodist Church. I'm hypothesizing that there won't be much of a difference between sexual activity among religion majors and non-religion majors based on research from past studies and experiments; however, I am hoping that I will be pleasantly surprised by my peers at their lack of sexual activity...but I will leave my bias aside for the study.

It's a work in progress...it just makes me feel better when I can put into words what I am doing...

Nightmares....

I don't usually remember my dreams, but lately, I have been having really bad dreams that I can't forget. Last night, I dreamed of the end of the world...or the end of human existence. I don't remember exactly what was happening, but it was dark and I was scared. We were being killed in huge groups and there was no way to stop it. We were all helpless and scared. The one thing I was thinking was that I wasn't sure if I was going to Heaven.

The assurance of salvation is something that I think really scares me because everyone doesn't agree. Can you loose your salvation? If you don't repent for the latest things you've done before you die, will you go to Hell? I think some people don't believe in Hell because God is so loving and compassionate...is there some alternative to Hell? I believe in Hell and Heaven and I hope that in the end of my life I will meet the saints in heaven and kiss the feet of Christ.

I Pray....

"Oh, that You would bless me indeed,
and enlarge my territory,
that Your hand would be with me,
and that You would keep me from evil."
-Jabez

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who was simple and sweet. there wasn't much exciting about her, except the fact that she was seriously a "Jack of all trades and master of none." She was an artist, a musician, a writer, a carpenter...she loved surprising people with her strength and her determination, but she longed to feel like there was one thing she had truly mastered more than anything else.
One day, the girl heard a story about a man named Jabez. Most people don't know who he was, and even if they read his story they might not even notice it. He was a man who brought pain upon his mother, but he still lived a life that brought glory to God. Once Jabez prayed a simple prayer, a prayer that thousands of years later would be prayed by a simple young girl.

"Bless me, Father.
Give me more that,
I might give it all back to You.
Guide me and protect me."

Even one simple man, whose story doesn't even get it's own chapter...one man can change a person's heart and mind. It can change a person's desire. It changed a girl's ideas and shaped her vision of the Lord's will for her life. It's not about doing one something well. It's about doing everything we do, for Him. It's about giving our blessings back and using them to glorify the Holy One.

It's not about me.
It's all about You.
It's not for me.
It's all for You.

"There's nothing we want more!"

We sang this song at Emerge this week and I really love it now. It is from Song of Solomon. The words are all amazing, but I think the bridge has the greatest words. "I don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room. I want to look right at You. I want to sing right to You." I think this is awesome because I often find myself talking, praying, even worshiping like its to some distant God, but Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are so incredibly personal I can't imagine what our faith would be like without them. "There is nothing we want more" than Christ in our lives and to worship Him.

"Come be the fire inside of me!"

Love Song

“Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.”

-Song of Songs 8:6-7

Jaws

I had a dream the other night that I thought was worthy of documentation...

So I was in my house (which wasn't my real house, but a house without furniture) and I was in the living room when I noticed a shark swimming around (it was under water, but I wasn't...cause I can't breathe under water [duh]). So, there was a shark, but I wasn't afraid...so when it swam past me, I took a bite out of it. It kept swimming, so I kept biting it. Eventually, I guess I made it mad...so I ran into the bathroom where I found a door that wasn't on it's hinges. I put the door in the door frame (because of course it fit perfectly in my dream)...then I closed the bathroom door behind it for extra strength. Then I jumped out the bathroom window and ran away....the end.

Italian ice....

Some people have jobs that occasionally ask them to work a double shift or stay late...I'm sure it happens all the time. Today I worked from 9am until 8pm. I was scheduled to work 9-12:30 and 6:30-11:30...but there is a crazy afternoon rust that I was asked to stay for, so I did.

Standing on my feet all day kinda hurts, but I am really loving my job. I get to meet the "regulars" who come in everyday and I see a lot of people I know. It's not exactly what I wish I was doing right now and I barely make minimum wage, but I'm content. I'm not sure that I could ask for much more than that right now.

Shaken

Today I faced a few things that were difficult for me to swallow. First, I was not selected for an internship in a church where I worked for the past year. I worked with the youth group and really grew to love the kids. I am really disappointed that I wont be working with them again this year, but I still want to be a part of their lives because I know the youth in this church need stable leaders who will stick around for them.

One of my responsibilities on campus at school puts me in charge on small groups, prayer and other things involving student "growth." I have been planing prayer groups and small groups for most of the summer and I have been really excited about them...however, tonight at our weekly worship event, a girl announced that there are two prayer groups that will be meeting weekly before worship. I think this is a great idea and I love that people are interested and willing to be involved, but I feel like my leadership just got taken over, like I wasn't doing a good enough job.

Other things, in addition to my lack of sleep, have had me really discouraged today. I feel like I already know the answer to my struggles though. I'm a part of things that are new to me this year and I am really excited about how God is going to use me for His will through my time and talents.

My prayer is that I just remember to stop and breathe and listen for the still small voice of God everyday. My life is in His hands and I give it all to Him. My emotions and my thoughts might feel like they've experienced an earthquake, but I am certain that my God will never be shaken.

the beginning of the end....and the start of something new

It's the beginning of my senior year of college and I'm feeling a bit cliche; like I'm standing at a crossroads and I'm not sure which way I'm supposed to go. I've got seven hours left of classes after this semester and one gigantic senior capstone project for my psychology major. I feel like maybe I'm not making any decisions yet because the one thing that I'm supposed to do hasn't come up yet.
Going into college, I was told, "oh, you can do anything with a psychology degree." Maybe it's just that times have changed over the past four years, but I don't really know what I can do now...but I do know what I want.

I want to help change the world. I want to live faith, not just have it. I want to share love with people all over the world. I want to speak truth and live as my savior did. The "jobs" I take don't really matter as long as I can do something I love with people I love.

I want to build wells in Africa. I want to stop human trafficking. I want to worship God with Chinese students. I want to love on orphans in Russia. I want to travel the world loving people.

I don't know if a degree will get me there, but I know that God will. I don't think that he has put these things on my heart for no reason...