Breakdown and Resuscitation

We all have weaknesses and things that will always bring us down. I think the devil knows just what our breaking point is. He definitely knows mine. He proved it a few days ago…this is a really personal story because of how much it affected me, but I hope that someone out there can relate or even find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone.

Mom and I were out shopping for Christmas gifts for the family when she decided that I needed a pair of black dress pants. I'm not the sort of person who enjoys shopping; much less trying on clothes...even less shopping in fancy stores where they assume you will need a dressing room. Anywho, I told mom that I'm really picky when it comes to pants, especially of the nicer variety; I wanted wide leg with a cuff. So she decided that there was one particular store that I needed to go to for these pants...Ann Taylor. I have never gotten clothes from Ann Taylor, or any store like it. So, we go. She shops. I try on. 

As I stood in the changing room alone looking at myself in the mirror, I wasn't thinking about the pants or how they looked. I was looking at my body. I didn't care about the pants much at all, but I stood there thinking I must be the most hideous person on the planet. I walked out of the room nearly in tears. I fought them back as I told my mom that I didn't want the pants and I just wanted to get out of the store. She stood there next to the rack of black pants just looking at me, wondering what was going on. She saw the tears in my eyes and asked why I didn’t want the pants. I had no reason. I couldn’t even say anything. “I just don’t want the pants. Let’s get out of here,” I kept saying. She bought something for herself and we left.

 I made it all the way to car before I started seriously crying. Mom kept asking me what was wrong with the pants, was it something she said, or did the pants just not fit. I didn’t answer her because I couldn’t; I couldn’t verbalize what I was thinking or feeling.

Finally, all I could say was that it wasn’t that I didn’t like the pants, I just hate myself.

I hate myself, my body, my emotions. I just kept crying.

Later that day, my brother and I were driving to see a movie when he asked what was wrong with me earlier. I didn’t want to tell him…so I attempted to dismiss it, but it didn’t work. I gave him the cliff notes version of what happened with the pants. After a lot of conversation, or to a certain extent lecturing, my brother decided that I don’t find my self-worth in Christ.

It’s true, I don’t. He told me he thinks I had attempted to find self-worth through relationships. Again, true. I think I’ve always know that I will never find what I am searching for in any relationship. I know that Christ alone can fill that void, but something in my own subconscious keeps me from him.

I don’t feel worthy of His affection. But that’s the point, I’m not worthy. None of us are. But He still loves us. Completely unconditionally. And He’s the only one who ever will. He loves us just the way we are. He loved us before we were born and He will continue to love us after we die. We don’t have to do anything to deserve His love…just accept it.

That’s the hardest part for me. I know I want it; I need His love to make me whole. I am nothing without Him.

So here I am, the same size I was last week, but I’m taking things I’ve always know to heart. God loves me just the way I am, sure He wants to see me do better, but He will never love me less. Scripture tells us the greatest commandment is love; we are to love God first and foremost, but we are also to love our neighbors as ourselves. How can I love others if I don’t love myself first? I don’t have to love the number sewn into the back of my pants…but I should love the fact that I am a child of God and He loved me enough to let His son die a horrible death in my place.

I am loved. I love.

As are you.

These are a few of my favorite things...

speed scrabble! 

Jordan and I bought several thousand dollars worth of toys for kids on the west side. It was surprisingly hard work to buy so many toys, but it was a lot of fun. 

I've been painting a lot lately. I love painting, even though I'm not very good. 

My other hobby has been baking lately. I have mastered the cupcakes and icing at Nancy's after a few weeks.

Christmas Day Poetry

This Christmas, my family decided to do something a little different. We each bought one gift for one person (names drawn from a hat) and wrote a poem about that person. It just so happened that I got my brother, and he got me; so it was kids and parents. Since I'm the youngest, I went first. I gave my brother his gift: a plaid shirt and a picture frame with photos of him and me in China. Then I read him my poem: an acrostic for my brother...

Big brother, I love you.
Role model, I look up to you.
Oh the things that we've been through,
The places we've been to,
High school and college through
Every mission trip too
Realizing I'm nothing without a big brother like you.

Then my brother went. He gave me a beautiful handmade journal. One of the other artists in his studio, Jessica, made it. I love it. Then he recited a haiku:

I love you, Courtney
You're a great little sister
Want to see you more

Mom's poem for dad was more of a song to the tune of some song she claims is an old girl scouts song, but I am doubtful. It was cute though. Dad's poem for mom was the best. It was a long tribute to their marriage and the important events along the way like perfect omelets, having kids, moving to rock hill, then alabama...it was great. Mom was balling by the end of it. I wouldn't expect anything less.

And so this is Christmas...

Dad decided we would also have a schedule to make sure we did everything we wanted to today...so here it is, the Bunce Christmas agenda...

Wake up
Have coffee
Read Luke Chapter 2
Go through our stockings
Present our gifts and poems
Eat breakfast (omelets and sister shubert pigs in a blanket)
Play speed scrable
Watch It's a Wonderful Life

Now its time for food!

Marry Christmas everyone!

marketing myself

I started creating my own website. Some people were talking about it at a conference I went to recently; about how its a good way to put yourself out there without it being a crazy social network. So, I am putting my resume, testimony, experience, and anything else you can imagine into one source...that maybe someone will see and think that I am exactly what they need for whatever they are doing.

It's weird for me to tell people that my hobbies include painting, writing, construction, singing, etc. I think the title of my life story might be "jack of all trades, master of none." I love doing new things and proving to myself and others that I can do something. It's not that I get bored with things easily, I just tend to find something else that takes my attention away.

I think this is a part of the discernment process. It's like self-reflection. I'm looking at who I am, who I want to be, and what God is doing with me right now. Where is He taking me? What am I learning? What am I doing about it?

I recently did a project for one of my classes on the cost of discipleship. My group, consisting of me and four others, chose Luke 14:27 as our focus for exegesis. Our pericope was Luke 14:25-33. The project was enlightening and thought provoking. It came together in over an hours worth of video complete with personal interviews with local people serving the Lord, famous people publicly serving and worshiping the Lord, and the group members.


In the book Radical by David Platt, he talks about what the cost of discipleship means and what we, as followers of Christ, are supposed to do. We are called to pick up our cross daily. That means we're supposed to carry instruments of our own death and torture everyday. You could choose an electric chair, a gun, or a guillotine. Scripture also tells us that we have to leave everything 


behind, without ever looking back. We have to completely separate ourselves from the life we knew outside of Christ. We have to give our everything to Him. In Luke 9, Jesus tells the story of some men who decide that they want to follow Christ. One says that he just has to go burry his father, but Jesus says "let the dead bury their own dead." The other man wants to say goodbye to his family. Jesus tells us that we should hate our families. The love that we have for them should be nothing compared to the love that we have for God. 


"Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."    “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”


Have you chosen to follow Christ? Have you picked up your torture device? Have you looked back? 

Where do you go from here?

I'm officially done with the first half of my senior year of college. I have a month until spring term starts. One month without a roommate. One month to work and save money. One month to spend time with friends and family. One month to do whatever I want without worrying about school work. What will I do?

I have so many things I want to do. I don't know where to even begin.
I want to paint
I want to clean
I want to donate everything in my closet
I want to bake
I want to watch every movie I can think of..then some more
I want to take long walks in the cold
I want to spend time with my brother
I want to have a party
I want to plan Bible studies for the spring
I want to organize everything

I want so much and I know its all completely doable. But what does God want me to be doing? Where should I be? Where am I going from here?